What I’m Wearing
Dress | Topshop
Shoes | Zara (old – sold out)
Sunglasses | Aurogra online no prescriptions required from the US Gucci
| http://thewoodlandretreat.com/contact-us Photography By Meg Gisborne |
Just sitting down with my laptop and writing about this and to be honest, writing again in general has felt really cathartic. But also, this is just the easiest (and if you knew the size of my family, the quickest) way to update people on my current situation without having to repeat myself. Because if you know me – I hate repeating myself, it’s super long.
But anyway, yes you read right…I officially handed in my notice and quit my new-ish, job of four months without having another one lined up.
Shit.
When I told a few of my closest that I’d up and quit my job, the responses I got went something like this:
Huh? But it was going so well!
Whaaaaat!! So what the hell are you gunna do now?!
Ah ah...
So you just quit with nothing else to go to?? Karina… *inaudible muttering under breath” (sorry Mum) and finally…
Classic you.
It’s hard going into detail about cutting ties with a past employer because 1. It’s extremely awkward, 2. I worry if it comes across as unprofessional and 3. I’m not used to opening up about things like this to anybody, let alone online. But after taking the time to really think about it, this is something I would want to read if I was going through something similar. Because I would hate for anyone to feel how I’ve felt for the past months about it all, which is alone.
So lets start from the beginning. When I took this job, it’s safe to say a LOT was going on in my life and I didn’t realise I’d be ticking off so many milestones in quick succession. First it was my 30th birthday, then I was planning the finishing touches to our wedding; which felt like a full time job in it’s own right. And finally starting a brand new job in pr, social & events – all in the space of a month!
When I started it was inevitable I was going to get all the emotions that come with change and beginning something new. Reservations, self-imposter syndrome, anxiety – you name it, I felt it. But this job was everything I was holding out for and to be given this opportunity was huge. So I was going to take the bull by the balls (or is it horn? I dunno) and embrace this change that in the long run would be for the better, right?
Wrong.
From the moment I started I was thrown into the deep end and left to my own devices to figure it all out. Yes it was daunting and yes it was challenging. But it was a challenge (at the time) I was willing to take on. This was my time to make this role my own and build a new structure that previously wasn’t there.
However, slowly but surely I started to pick up on bad vibes. Let’s just say the atmosphere in the office and most importantly how management treated their staff wasn’t good. It was toxic.
And soon enough I was the one on the front line.
It was like all my ideas, feelings and needs were being completely disregarded. And guidance, support and feedback were non-existent. Rumours were spread and fed to me in order to create a divide and manipulate the team. And I constantly felt like no matter what I did or how hard I worked, nothing was ever good enough.
I tried to take inappropriate, rude and mean comments on the chin. But after weeks of suppressing how I felt my health was the one to suffer.
Every morning I would get myself into such a state just working up the courage to go back into the office. After multiple cries and make-up top ups, I would finally get out of my car, go in and keep my head down in fear of what would be said to me or about me.
It was like there was this immense pressure on me to fix all areas of the business and have all the answers. But if anything went wrong I would solely be the one the blame.
I wasn’t sleeping or eating and was just miserable being there. I was an anxious wreck and knew something had to change…
So my options were the following: talk to my boss, quit or put up with it and treat this job as a paycheque.
To begin with, I chose the first option and (politely) expressed a few of my concerns over time. I explained how at times (re: all the time) I felt like I couldn’t do my job properly because I didn’t have the tools or facilities. How criticism didn’t feel constructive and crossed over to being overcritical. That I didn’t like the way I was being put down in front of the whole office. And lastly, the micromanagement.
Sadly nothing changed and it continued to feel like a bullying culture within the office. Also subtle threats about my job security became an addition to the ‘I must get out’ pile.
The longer I left my feelings to manifest the worse I got. I knew if I really valued my self-esteem and sanity, it was time to leave. I mean how could this be my dream job if I’m unhappy?
I knew deep down no job or amount of money is worth my happiness.
So before you know it, on a sunny but cold and crisp Monday morning I’m sitting across from my manager, fidgeting in my seat trying to hold it together whilst I explain that I’m quitting.
At first there was shock. I mean yeah sames. But after shock and pressing questions about why I was leaving followed the denial. Denial that there was little to no part played for the way I’d been feeling. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my Dad – it’s that my feelings are not up for debate. I was no longer looking for validation when explaining my reasons for leaving.
In the end I said how the company wasn’t the right environment for me and it was better for me to not be here anymore. So I finished up my handover, packed up my stuff and bounced.
The sheer relief I felt as soon as I got into my car and drove off was indescribable. It’s like I could hear Natasha Bedingfield – Unwritten playing in my head (too dramatic?). But honestly, it felt like a weight had been truly lifted off my shoulders.
I smiled as my chest pains eased as I got further away from the office and that’s when I knew that I had done the right thing.
Quitting wasn’t a decision I took lightly and this blog post most definitely isn’t an advert for quitting your job with nothing to go to. I really had to take the time to think about my options and weigh up the pros and cons because I knew once I made the decision, there was no going back.
I even reached out to past and current employees to talk to them about my situation and that’s where I learned it definitely wasn’t all in my head.
Pete has been my absolute rock through all of this and even encouraged me to quit after seeing how badly it was effecting me. But most importantly, he was the the one to pick me up, support and reassure me that everything will be OK. This isn’t job suicide, this could be a blessing in disguise…
Also I’d like to give a massive shout out and thank Vix Meldrew for being an absolute babe and offering me advice and a virtual shoulder to lean on when I felt confused and so lost. You are one amazing gal, honestly. Same goes for you Clare!
So what now?
Well, right now I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to freelance for a brand I absolutely adore. So I’m going to see where it takes me! I’m excited, scared but more determined than ever.
I’m super proud of myself for having the courage to do something like this and trusting my gut when I knew something wasn’t right. I know everything will work out and what will be will be. In short: I believe in myself and what I have to offer.
Your mental health is no joke and although it’s sad and disappointing, if you’re feeling this way it’s time to start thinking about other options. The work place is where we spend most of our time and no-one has the right to make you question your self-worth. You always have a choice.
I decided to take back control of my happiness and right now my options are endless which excites me! Life is too short to be miserable in a job you hate. And luckily in this instance, the grass is definitely greener.
Talk to you soon!
