I could tell you that I’ve been busy with work and wedding planning. How life in general has been getting so on top of me, I just haven’t found the time to sit down and blog. But I’d be one lying MF.
I’ll be completely honest with you, I haven’t wanted to post anything on my blog for a while because I simply haven’t felt good enough. Over the past 4 months I’ve fallen into a monotonous routine. And somewhere down the line, I fell out of touch with blogging and more importantly myself.
Blazer | Topshop
Camisole | Topshop
Skirt | Mango
Mules | New Look (sold out – similar here)
Bag | Mango
Sunglasses | Ray Ban
| http://pulsobeat.com/tag/steve-aoki/ Photography by Alise Jane |
The story starts here.
I go to work, come home, pack my gym bag for the next day. Have dinner, hop into bed to watch TV (despite Sky having 163283 channels I only watched Friends) then eventually have an early night. To be fair, this was my idea of actual bliss to begin with. Working full-time really takes up a lot of my brain-power. And since http://ornamentalpeanut.com/porfolio-our-work/ wedding planning has hit a bit of a lull, being able to come home and completely switch off was heaven. But I slowly got bored of the routine. Classic me.
I was frustrated because I was bored. Then I was snappy and miserable because I was frustrated about being so bored.
I noticed my drive dissolving and had no real desire to do go out or do anything. The house was a complete mess. But did I tidy? Nope. I tried to write but I literally had nothing to say. I truly hated what I saw in the mirror, so anytime Pete suggested we go out I would moodily decline. When I needed to take pictures for my Instagram content I would talk myself out of it because content creation is at its highest level right now. It wouldn’t be the same quality as everybody else’s, so why bother?
For me, the longer I don’t create content – which I love to do – the more I grow fearful of my abilities. I convince myself that I have nothing to say and the content I put out for people to read won’t be good enough. I procrastinate and avoid all the things I should/want to be doing. And even though I’m learning to manage my guilt for not “achieving” every day a lot better, I still get days where I scold myself for being lazy and failing to get anything done.
It’s a horrible feeling when you feel trapped in your own self-doubt. You want to be at your most productive, smashing goals and winning life. But when you continuously criticise and compare your looks, talent and lifestyle to other people, you start to believe the voice inside your head that tells you you’re not good enough.
Just writing this down reminds me of what a toxic head space I’ve been in and how the negative things I constantly say to myself are not okay. It upsets me just thinking about it because looking back, I was someone who gave up. I gave up trying to make myself happy and instead relied solely on my fiancé to help fix it and make me sassy, Karina again.
Warning: I DON’T ADVISE THIS. But that’s for another time and another blog post.
I genuinely thought maybe it’s the ‘curse of 29’ and I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. On my lowest days I found myself questioning the value of my past achievements. Things happening to me that I thought were pretty fucking awesome, all of sudden seemed nothing compared to what other people my age (and younger) had.
I constantly measure my success to others and annoyingly dwell on all the things I could have done differently. Because me feeling unsatisfied means that I’ve made poor choices somewhere along the way, right?
“If I just stuck this out, I’d be where I want to be in my career by now”. “I should of kept up my gym routine, otherwise I’d be snatched to the Gods by now instead of breaking the zips on my clothes”. “OMG I turn 30 next year – OK, so why am I not rich yet, seriously?!”.
It’s clearly my fault because I wasn’t good enough. Yep, definitely sounds like a quarter life crisis.
I remember reading a Cosmopolitan article as a teenager about the celebrities who were going through a pre-30 crisis at 29. One of the celebrities in this article was Matthew Mcconaughey. Now, I swear I’m not making this up. In this article was a picture of Matthew McConaughey playing the bongos outside in his garden, naked whilst smoking a spliff. And how all of this meant that he was at the height of a pre-30 crisis.
I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make by telling you this if I’m honest. But this article really triggered me. Because one: I felt personally attacked. So, am I Matthew Mcconaughey? Two: Can he live?
And three: I call BULLSHIT. Bullshit on being pigeonholed and made to feel like I’m running out of time and going “off the rails” just because I’m turning 30. This isn’t a race, it’s a journey. And there’s still time to pursue anything I damn well want. And if I want to get my life, play the bongos naked and smoke a spliff, then I will. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have my shit together, OK Cosmo?
So where do I go from here?
Well, I’m ready to break this fear-routine for a start. I’m sick of feeling stifled and scared of what people will think or if I’ll fail.
I can be my own worst enemy and that’s something I want to work on. I’m ready to learn to loosen my expectations and let go of what I think being 30 means. I want to focus on progress rather than perfection. Because what is perfection anyway?
I affirm from here on out that I am enough. And although I may not be exactly where I want to be, I’m exactly where I need to be. I vow to take care of my mind and the way I speak to myself. Because I AM good enough. And if you’re going through the same thing then please don’t believe everything you think. Because YOU are good enough.
