I thought as it’s Friday, what better way to celebrate the weekend than to drop some new content for ya? Although, if you’re more excited about the weekend rather than reading this blog post, that’s totally fair.
As we’re leading up to http://ukadventureracing.co.uk/groups/championship-and-national-rankings-940590196/ Valentine’s Day I thought it’d be fun to delve into the weird and wonderful world of dating and take a look back at my tragic timeline of bad first dates. You know, for the lols.
So in the name of blogging I decided that I’m going to share a few of my most awkward first-date stories, purely for your enjoyment.
I always thought my love life was cursed.
Yep, I genuinely thought that I’d wronged Cupid in a past life. Therefore hexed and destined to bad dates/dickhead encounters for all of eternity.
At that point in my life I had two bad relationships, both toxic and basically a proper shit show. The first one lasted four years then came to a bitter end during uni. The second lasted for about two years on & off where I was eventually Sāmbhar dumped on my birthday.
So believe me when I say entering the dating world was extremely daunting for me. But with the help of the digital wing man known as Tinder and bar outings how could I go wrong?
Oh I’ll tell you how. Let’s begin with the worst…
The Killer First Date
Twas a Friday night when me and my cousin Heather decided to head into town for a girl’s night. We ended up at this club (I won’t say the name – you’ll know why soon) where we just danced the night away.
After taking a break from dancing to pee and powder the sweat from my upper lip, I came back to my cousin grinning and waving a piece of paper in her hands; it was a number from one of the bouncers.
He was your typical bouncer stereotype – tall, big and muscly with a shaved head. I took the piece of paper and looked his way where he coyly smiled and waved me to come over. He was very talkative, charming and insisted that I text him so we could arrange a date.
After texting back and forth I found out he lived directly above the club. We arranged to meet outside his place where we could then find somewhere central to eat. So I made my way to the club and phoned when I was outside. He greeted me topless and said “wanna come up so I can finish getting ready?”.
I went upstairs to his flat (which was a foul state btw) and perched on the cleanest spot on the bed I could find. He proceeded to tell me how he’s training to be a UFC fighter so he was on a strict diet and could only eat specific meals. GREAT.
He mentioned how the takeaway downstairs made lean meals and if I fancied anything from there. I replied with a simple “Err yeah sure, I’ll have what you’re having” when really my mind was screaming WTF?! And BURGER PLEASE.
So there we are, eating in his grotesque bedroom when we decided to find out a bit more about each other. It turns out I knew people who went to the same school as him. He replied “Yeah I wasn’t there for long though. Kicked out for fighting”. Me: “Oh right, which school did you go to after that then?”. He told me about another school which I was familiar with. He replies “Yeah I wasn’t there for long either, kicked out for setting my teachers bag on fire”.
Now please do not ask what possessed me to ask this next question but at that moment in time, it was the first thing that popped into my head. Me: “Well, that’s OK, who cares. At least you haven’t killed anyone!”. DEAD SILENCE…
He stared at me for what felt like hours. Until he finally said “Well…. I didn’t do it. But did you know pigs eat humans? Everything but the teeth actually”.
After the shock that this guy may have just confessed to murder over a chicken shish, I made the excuse to leave right away and got a taxi home. I made it home safe and sound but opened my phone to a text reading “Hiya, I enjoyed our date but I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again as I didn’t really feel a spark”.
Wow. You think?
The Guy Who Didn’t Look Like His Tinder Pic First Date
You know how the story goes. He looks super cute in his Tinder pics. Then you finally decide to meet up and he ends up resembling Sloth from the Goonies.
We’d been talking over Tinder for over a week, which in the Tinder world is like 6 weeks – it’s like bloody Inception that place.
We planned to go for dinner close to my work so I could finish and head straight to the meal. I called him as I walked up to the restaurant and explained how I couldn’t find him.“I can see you! You’re looking straight at me!” he said. I looked straight ahead and my heart literally went into my ass. He was almost half my size in height. Which totally makes sense now as all of his pictures are of his face on Tinder.
To add insult to injury after feeling like I’d just been conned, we sit down for dinner and tells me that he’s brought me a gift.
Turns out it was a Liverpool football shirt, because that was his favourite team apparently. I gave it back after the meal and we went our separate ways.
The Guy More Interested in Your Mate First Date
I thought this guy might be different as it felt like we were on the same wave length from the moment we started speaking.
I took him to a friend’s house party where we got drunk, laughed, danced and made out. At the end of the night he put me in a taxi home and even text me to make sure I got home OK. I felt like I was on to a winner here.
Yeah not quite – later the next day I found out that he’d messaged one of my mates from the party on Facebook trying to chat them up. Douchebag.
But hey, enough of my stories!
Since sharing is caring I reached out to a few of my gal pals to hear a few of their tragic first date stories. Because it’s nice to know you’re not alone isn’t it…
Barbara Lane*
What are your worst first date stories? Please feel free to share for a round of lols!
Coat | Zara
Blouse | Top
Jeans | Levis
Boots | Kurt Geiger
Bag | Marks & Spencer
Photography by Peter Marriott aka the guy I had to kiss a lot of frogs to get to/my boyfriend/my love
