Confidently Lost - The Style Idealist

What’s happening dolls! It was all sunny and spring just a week ago, now it’s nothing but rain, grey skies and aggressive winds. What’s that all about?

I’m really excited to share this post with you. Mainly because the photos that http://cakebysadiesmith.co.uk/page/26/?paged=1 Joshua Brathwaite took of me last week in South Kensington are so incredible. So much so that it makes me want to frame them, show it to my future kids and say “look at your bomb-ass Mum rocking that trench coat kids, I was the cutting-edge okurrr”. But besides that, it also gives me a chance to reflect on a few things that have been on my mind lately. So, settle in, grab a cuppa and let’s get talking.

Now, I’m not sure whether it’s because Spring is here (finally) or because the evenings are lighter which means I can actually see into my back garden when I get home from work. OR the fact that it’s my birthday next month and I’m off to Barcelona. But I’ve felt a positive shift in my mindset lately and it’s left me feeling inspired about so many things. I really missed that feeling. Don’t you just love it when you feel like your authentic self?

Since I began Mount Lebanon celebrating smaller victories instead of focusing on bigger goals, its really put my mind at ease and reduced my stress levels. This led me to address something that’s been bothering me for a while now and spark a new conversation within myself that I felt needed revaluating; am I as confident as I’d like to be?

From the outside looking in, you could say that I’m someone who has their shit together. At 28 years-old (29 this April – yikes) I’ve come a long way since my early twenties. Contrary to what my credit card statements may suggest right now I’ve managed to manage my money a lot better and climb (still climbing) out of a horrendous hole of debt. I bagged a full-time job in digital marketing where I eventually met my boyfriend. Then we bought a house and officially moved in together last year. Settling down into a much more stable lifestyle after what can only be described as a turbulent and extremely low few years’ post university has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. But if there’s one thing that I’ve had to work on the most and still working on underneath it all, it would be my confidence

I think I’m on the cusp between an introvert and extrovert. I come from a massive family with about 47383 cousins. And basically, if you’re quiet or reserved, you were getting roasted. End of. I don’t enjoy being the centre of attention or feel the need to make myself known in social situations. But at the same time, I’ve never shied away from conversations or meeting new people. And if there’s a silence, you can be damn sure I’m going to fill it. But since a few hard lessons in 2016 I noticed a change in my personality at the end of last year that I was unhappy about. I had become so quiet. It was like the negative voice in my head had taken my personality hostage and covered its mouth with duck-tape.

I felt so disconnected from people that I found it hard to join in conversations. I’d go from feeling too scared to share my opinions to literally not having any because I was so used to being silent. At first I thought it was maybe just a phase. But then social outings began to feel like a lot of effort and most people in all honesty intimidated me. About a month ago, it was the worse it’s ever been and I felt extremely isolated.

Until something clicked, this isn’t me. This is not how I want to live my life and it’s stopping me from living my best life. So fuck this shit, it’s time for a change.

I began to explore what was triggering my negative thoughts which ultimately shed my confidence.

Be it friendships, family or daily routines, reevaluating it all was my first step. I emotionally detached myself from a negative Nancy who was like a dark cloud on my day. Connected with family and friends who made me feel my best self. Reached out to photographers to work with for my blog (which I never would have done last year). And continued to set small goals and concentrate on living my principles. There’s also an element of “fake it until you make it” when building your self-confidence. Because as soon as I put on my favourite clothes or decide to dress well, I feel invincible and ready to tackle the world.

Even though I don’t have all the answers like Sway about where my life’s going, what I should be doing or how I should be dealing with things. I feel like Stella who got her groove back because I now know that I control my happiness, nobody else. And I vow to never give anyone power over me or steal my sunshine again.

The journey of your best-self can be a tough one. But I’m no longer hiding and I’m here to keep evolving. I’m not sure where my journey is taking me but at least I’m confidently lost.